Monday, April 9, 2012

Thank You Station 7


I would like to say a special thank you to the dedicated firemen from Station 7 Fire Dept. in Gilbert, AZ for their immediate response to our call for help on the morning of Dec. 7th 2011.

That morning, these men so heroically worked on Paul and did all they could do in an effort to save him. I waited outside of Paul's house in anticipation...hoping they could save him.  Unfortunately, it was too late. I will never forget the looks on their faces as they walked outside with an empty stretcher. 

It wasn't until recently that I started thinking about how calls like this affect these great men. They literally receive a call and go into unknown situations without even a moments hesitation. My gratitude for the job these men do is overwhelming.  

It has taken me a while to be able to do this, but I finally got the courage to go to Station 7 and personally thank these great firemen for all they did for paul that day.  I brought them some steaks and cookies and it was very healing for all of us as I was able to show them pictures and tell them a little about Paul. 
Thank you Station 7!!

 He Stares in the Face of Death
Without a Second Thought
to Save That One Special Life
That He So Bravely Sought.
He Has Walked as Close to
"Hell on Earth"
as Any Man Could Do
and He's So Proud of the Job He Did
for People He Never Knew.
He Puts His Life on the Line
Every Time Duty Calls
Always Doing What Needs to Done
Without Even a Pause.
He Is a Fireman
With Overwhelming Pride
Never Afraid to Take a Chance
When Saving Someone’s Life.
Often He Says
"It's My Job"
but We Really Know
That He Is Very Special
and Always Ready to Go.
So When You Hear the Sirens Wail
or See the Flashing Lights
Stand Aside and Look with Pride
He's Going to Save a Life.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Celebrating a Life

Today I celebrate the Life of an amazing man. Paul would have been 33 today.  It has been almost 4 months since he passed away.  I still have many days when my heart just aches and the tears come out of nowhere.                                                                                                                    
The way Paul treated me was truly Christ like. Not one time did he ever say anything negative about me. Not one time did he ever criticize me, raise his voice or talk disrespectful to me.  How fortunate I was to be able to share a love that so many people wish for in their lives.                                                             
I know that through trials and suffering we grow stronger...I feel myself getting stronger everyday. I have more patience, more compassion for others and a deeper, loving relationship with my Father in Heaven. Somedays, I simply just miss what we had...and long for the future we were planning.  But most days, I look forward to my happiness and smile at the memories we shared.                                                                                                                                                 
Happy Birthday Paul xoxo
A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape …                                                                                                                      but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…
A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything …
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear…
A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her …
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone…
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future…
a woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be God’s blessings and capitalizes on them…
A strong woman walks sure footedly …
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls…
A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face …
but a woman of strength wears grace…
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey …
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong…
a strong woman is one who has had her heart broken time and time again and still has the strength to gather the pieces to create a new life for herself. Remember that no matter what pain you’ve been through, tears will dry, broken hearts will heal, and somewhere out there, there is a man waiting to love you.

"OUT OF SUFFERING HAVE EMERGED THE STRONGEST SOULS.                                                                                                            THE MOST MASSIVE CHARACTERS ARE SEARED WITH SCARS."  Kahlil Gibran                                                                                                                                                                                                           
Happy Birthday - Je t’aime
my sweet Paul Ryan

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Can Do Hard Things..

I have always been a strong person. Strong-minded, strong-willed, and when something is placed in front of me, I rarely give up or say I can't do it.. because I can do hard things. 
But sometimes, something is placed in front of us that is so hard to do, you just don't want to do it..

This month has been hard.

I have done some pretty hard things in my short life so far.
I gave birth 3 times...that was dang hard. I ran a half marathon...ugh..hard! I moved to another state with 3 kids..will never do that again..too hard! I have gone through a of the hardest things I've ever done. I got through them all and I can look back and! I can do hard things...and I'm stronger because of them.
Yes, I can do hard things, but right now, I am going through something that's just too hard..
I feel ready share ...

On Dec.7th 2011, I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through so far..
losing the love of my life to suicide.

For the past 6 months I have been head over heels in love. I reconnected with Paul and we started dating in July 2011 when I moved to Arizona.  Paul and I went to Junior High and Highschool together in Orem, UT.  It was really fun to reconnect and reminisce about old times and the fun we had working at 7-peaks water park together back when we were 16 yrs old.  Paul and I learned very quickly that we had something special.  A love and friendship I have never felt or shared with someone in my entire life.  He made me laugh everyday we were together, and receiving a love letter was an everyday occurance.  I told Paul all the time he was my real life Superman. I felt like he could do anything! He could fix anything he could lift anything, he killed every scorpion and spider that even dared get near my house because he knew how deathly afraid I was. He was always there for me whenever I needed. He could hear in my voice if I was having a bad day and poof! there he was with flowers or chocolates to make everything better! One thing I know for sure...Paul loved me, he was my best friend and I knew I wanted to marry him one day. I had dated for 2 long years and finally found my dream boy...and I was going to hold on to him for dear life!
Unfortunately, Paul has had a really rough year. He never dwelled on the hard times he was going through. He was always very positive and probably hid more pain from me than I was aware of. The one thing in this world that made Paul the happiest were his 4 beautiful children. I have never seen a father love his children as deeply as Paul loved his.
 In November, Paul was feeling pretty low. We talked on several occasions about how everyone goes through trials in their lives and the storm would soon pass. Things were starting to look up. About 3 weeks before Paul died, him and I spent an entire day ring shopping.  This was a big step for me and he was so kind and gentle with me as he said.."now Michele, this doesn't mean we are getting married next month, it just means we are looking so we can get an idea of what you like." He knew marriage was a big step for me and I was careful not to rush things and to make sure it would be right when we made that decision.  That was one of the funnest days of my life and we laughed and enjoyed every second of that day. I knew I wanted to marry him.
I will talk on a very real level now, because I feel like this is important to share. I probably will never talk about Paul's death again or the events leading up to it...I feel that when someone passes away, we should not relive the past or dwell on how they died. I have too many amazing memories about him I want to share and remember instead.  However, suicide is a very real subject.  In the month of December alone, I have heard of 3 other people who have taken their lives besides Paul.  I am here to say, that we did see the warning signs with Paul. Many people loved and reached out to him who were aware of the depression he was dealing with.  On Monday Dec. 4th, Paul met with a doctor and discussed what he was feeling.  She prescribed him depression medication and I was relieved.  Mostly because I couldn't bare the thought of him living in pain and sadness and thought this medication along with my love and support would make him feel better.
On Tuesday, we texted all day as usual and he was having a good day! He closed a deal at work, got to my house that evening and ate dinner with us, helped me put my kids to bed, hugged each one of them and said prayers with us. We watched a Will Ferrell movie on TV and cracked up the whole time while he rubbed my feet (I was totally spoiled). We looked at some houses on the computer we were thinking of buying down the road when we got married and cuddled and talked. About 11:00pm we were getting tired and decided to call it a night. I walked Paul to the front door and we kissed and hugged good night like two little teenagers. I just could not bare to say goodbye this particular night. I watched him as he walked out my door and turned the corner. That was the last time I would ever see him.
On Wed. morning, I did not receive my ritual 8:45 am call from Paul. I didn't read too much into it. I got side tracked by a phone call from my sister and realized at 9:15 I still hadn't heard from him. The feeling we often get when something is wrong came over me and I hopped in my car, pajamas and all and headed straight to his house. I saw his car out front. At first I got a sinking feeling, then realized he was probably just sleeping in. I did not get an answer at the front door. There was no way for me to get in the house. I called his roommate in a panic and luckily he came straight home. The next few minutes, and hours are too hard for me to write about and would not be appropriate to write about. The feelings that arise when I think about them again are beyond any pain I have ever experienced. I mostly just remember sirens, I remember wondering why my legs wouldn't work, and the most gentle and kind police woman who I know was meant to be there for me that day.  Paul knew he was my real life superman, but my real hero that day was Paul's roommate Glen, who protected me from seeing things I shouldn't see and sheltering me from experiencing even more pain than I already had to go through. I then had the excruciating task of calling Paul's mom and dad and ex wife.
The next few days are a blur. The guilt of "If only", and "What if" set in real quick. The hurt I felt for Sarah and the children was unbearable. The nurturer in me wanted to be there for his mom because I knew how close her and Paul were, I ached for his siblings because they were such a close family...and I hurt and longed for my boyfriend, my best friend.
It has been 4 weeks today since Paul has been gone. I still get very frustrated and have so many unanswered questions. Time is my friend. When tears come, I don't fight it. I have had many nights where I have cried myself to sleep. But also many nights where I have experienced things so spiritual that time and sacredness would not allow me to write them down. The Veil is very thin and I feel blessed to have peace and comfort in my life right now. I am trying very hard to not ask God why did this happen..but instead, what am I supposed to learn from this. 
Through my Savior Jesus Christ, my pain and burdens feel lighter. I am slowly learning what I am supposed to learn from will take a lifetime for this to happen.
Grief is a funny thing. It comes at the weirdest times and leaves as quickly as it came. I am overwhelmed with humility and gratitude for the service and support my family,  friends and people who don't even know me have shown me. I was not only in love with paul, but I was in love with his children. I am so happy to have those 4 little angels who I adore still be a part of my life.(thank you sarah)
I know one day I will need to move on again. I know one day I will be happy and in love again.  I know I will be a stronger and better woman for the hard things I have experienced.
To the greatest man who ever loved me..I love you Paul Ryan Phipps

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call             1-800-273-TALK       (8255) or visit

And now, I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Dear Arizona...I guess you're not so bad

Goodbye Colorado...Hello new life

Well I did it!  I finally made the big move to Arizona!  June was a busy, stressful month!  We are finally here and we are getting settled, but I'm not sure it feels like home quite yet.  It was very difficult to say goodbye to the place I've known for the past 10 yrs, and especially saying goodbye to amazing friends I've grown to love.  
The kids are so excited to finally live so close to their daddy and are loving AZ so far! 
It's HOT here, but I will get used to it I'm sure:) 

goodbye house I love...time for me to shut the door and move on... 

last picture in our house

Welcome to AZ... our new house

Who needs anything else when you have a pool in the backyard! What lucky kids!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Busy momma. Simple life.

Busy momma, noisy world.
trying to live a Simple life...
just the way I like it!

A simple life has a different meaning and a different value for everyone. For me, it means eliminating the chaos, not taking on too much, learning to say no, not wanting the best or having the most and spending my time doing what’s important to me.

Trying to juggle work, kids, spirituality and just life can get really overwhelming sometimes!! But trying to find the right BALANCE in my life is something I have had to learn and it is what keeps me sane and makes me happy.  Choosing how I spend my time and who I spend my time with and making sure to be a  mommy, but still have time to take care of myself and not "lose" myself and who I am in this busy, noisy world.

Recently I had the fun experience of being part a charity event where 
I got to get dressed up and be in a calendar for BMW vintage motorcycles.  So much fun!
All the proceeds from the calendar go to the For My Mama Foundation. Cassidy
thinks her momma is pretty cool beans!

Meet my new friend Tara...
This precious little 4 yr old had me at hello!! I fell in love! 
Tara is part of the kids Hope Foundation.  Her sweet little 
spirit and cheerful attitude really helped me realize what is most
important in life....and the things most important to me are not things.

Here we go again!  Another year of my favorite sport, and another year I 
agreed to be team mom. We keep very busy with baseball!

J Diggity Dog!!
He's such a great little pitcher I'm so proud of him!

Fun Time!!
My friend JC brought over all of his creepy crawlies for 
the kids to play with.  They were in heaven!
Cassidy holding hissing cockroaches...ewww


That would be me holding the Tarantula!

Really poisonous my hands...I am scurred!!

I'm definitely keeping busy with working as the rep for Glymed and now taking over the AZ 
territory.  I spend a lot of time teaching classes and working with wonderful people!
It's such a fun job!

Teaching a Chemical Peel class

Some might say I am an over-acheiver...they would be correct.
Making caramel apples for the baseball team and their mothers for Mother's Day.
Cassidy and Kayleigh...over achievers in training.

Honestly, one of my favorite things to do is cook and bake...especially with my kiddos!
The girls and I had so much fun making these caramel apples

Finished apples! ummmm....Martha Stewart whooo???

What is it about a sleeping child that makes you looove them soo much!!

Mother's Day Card

Cassidy's First dance (at my friends wedding)

Kayleigh running away to Yew Nork..mad at mommy!