I have always been a strong person. Strong-minded, strong-willed, and when something is placed in front of me, I rarely give up or say I can't do it.. because I can do hard things.
But sometimes, something is placed in front of us that is so hard to do, you just don't want to do it..
This month has been hard.
I have done some pretty hard things in my short life so far.
I gave birth 3 times...that was dang hard. I ran a half marathon...ugh..hard! I moved to another state with 3 kids..will never do that again..too hard! I have gone through a divorce...one of the hardest things I've ever done. I got through them all and I can look back and say..wow! I can do hard things...and I'm stronger because of them.
Yes, I can do hard things, but right now, I am going through something that's just too hard..
I feel ready share ...
On Dec.7th 2011, I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through so far..
losing the love of my life to suicide.
For the past 6 months I have been head over heels in love. I reconnected with Paul and we started dating in July 2011 when I moved to Arizona. Paul and I went to Junior High and Highschool together in Orem, UT. It was really fun to reconnect and reminisce about old times and the fun we had working at 7-peaks water park together back when we were 16 yrs old. Paul and I learned very quickly that we had something special. A love and friendship I have never felt or shared with someone in my entire life. He made me laugh everyday we were together, and receiving a love letter was an everyday occurance. I told Paul all the time he was my real life Superman. I felt like he could do anything! He could fix anything he could lift anything, he killed every scorpion and spider that even dared get near my house because he knew how deathly afraid I was. He was always there for me whenever I needed. He could hear in my voice if I was having a bad day and poof! there he was with flowers or chocolates to make everything better! One thing I know for sure...Paul loved me, he was my best friend and I knew I wanted to marry him one day. I had dated for 2 long years and finally found my dream boy...and I was going to hold on to him for dear life!
Unfortunately, Paul has had a really rough year. He never dwelled on the hard times he was going through. He was always very positive and probably hid more pain from me than I was aware of. The one thing in this world that made Paul the happiest were his 4 beautiful children. I have never seen a father love his children as deeply as Paul loved his.
In November, Paul was feeling pretty low. We talked on several occasions about how everyone goes through trials in their lives and the storm would soon pass. Things were starting to look up. About 3 weeks before Paul died, him and I spent an entire day ring shopping. This was a big step for me and he was so kind and gentle with me as he said.."now Michele, this doesn't mean we are getting married next month, it just means we are looking so we can get an idea of what you like." He knew marriage was a big step for me and I was careful not to rush things and to make sure it would be right when we made that decision. That was one of the funnest days of my life and we laughed and enjoyed every second of that day. I knew I wanted to marry him.
I will talk on a very real level now, because I feel like this is important to share. I probably will never talk about Paul's death again or the events leading up to it...I feel that when someone passes away, we should not relive the past or dwell on how they died. I have too many amazing memories about him I want to share and remember instead. However, suicide is a very real subject. In the month of December alone, I have heard of 3 other people who have taken their lives besides Paul. I am here to say, that we did see the warning signs with Paul. Many people loved and reached out to him who were aware of the depression he was dealing with. On Monday Dec. 4th, Paul met with a doctor and discussed what he was feeling. She prescribed him depression medication and I was relieved. Mostly because I couldn't bare the thought of him living in pain and sadness and thought this medication along with my love and support would make him feel better.
On Tuesday, we texted all day as usual and he was having a good day! He closed a deal at work, got to my house that evening and ate dinner with us, helped me put my kids to bed, hugged each one of them and said prayers with us. We watched a Will Ferrell movie on TV and cracked up the whole time while he rubbed my feet (I was totally spoiled). We looked at some houses on the computer we were thinking of buying down the road when we got married and cuddled and talked. About 11:00pm we were getting tired and decided to call it a night. I walked Paul to the front door and we kissed and hugged good night like two little teenagers. I just could not bare to say goodbye this particular night. I watched him as he walked out my door and turned the corner. That was the last time I would ever see him.
On Wed. morning, I did not receive my ritual 8:45 am call from Paul. I didn't read too much into it. I got side tracked by a phone call from my sister and realized at 9:15 I still hadn't heard from him. The feeling we often get when something is wrong came over me and I hopped in my car, pajamas and all and headed straight to his house. I saw his car out front. At first I got a sinking feeling, then realized he was probably just sleeping in. I did not get an answer at the front door. There was no way for me to get in the house. I called his roommate in a panic and luckily he came straight home. The next few minutes, and hours are too hard for me to write about and would not be appropriate to write about. The feelings that arise when I think about them again are beyond any pain I have ever experienced. I mostly just remember sirens, I remember wondering why my legs wouldn't work, and the most gentle and kind police woman who I know was meant to be there for me that day. Paul knew he was my real life superman, but my real hero that day was Paul's roommate Glen, who protected me from seeing things I shouldn't see and sheltering me from experiencing even more pain than I already had to go through. I then had the excruciating task of calling Paul's mom and dad and ex wife.
The next few days are a blur. The guilt of "If only", and "What if" set in real quick. The hurt I felt for Sarah and the children was unbearable. The nurturer in me wanted to be there for his mom because I knew how close her and Paul were, I ached for his siblings because they were such a close family...and I hurt and longed for my boyfriend, my best friend.
It has been 4 weeks today since Paul has been gone. I still get very frustrated and have so many unanswered questions. Time is my friend. When tears come, I don't fight it. I have had many nights where I have cried myself to sleep. But also many nights where I have experienced things so spiritual that time and sacredness would not allow me to write them down. The Veil is very thin and I feel blessed to have peace and comfort in my life right now. I am trying very hard to not ask God
why did this happen..but instead,
what am I supposed to learn from this.
Through my Savior Jesus Christ, my pain and burdens feel lighter. I am slowly learning what I am supposed to learn from this..it will take a lifetime for this to happen.
Grief is a funny thing. It comes at the weirdest times and leaves as quickly as it came. I am overwhelmed with humility and gratitude for the service and support my family, friends and people who don't even know me have shown me. I was not only in love with paul, but I was in love with his children. I am so happy to have those 4 little angels who I adore still be a part of my life.(thank you sarah)
I know one day I will need to move on again. I know one day I will be happy and in love again. I know I will be a stronger and better woman for the hard things I have experienced.
To the greatest man who ever loved me..I love you Paul Ryan Phipps
And now, I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance...
