I Can Do Hard Things..

I have always been a strong person. Strong-minded, strong-willed, and when something is placed in front of me, I rarely give up or say I can't do it.. because I can do hard things. 

But sometimes, something is placed in front of us that is so hard to do, you just don't want to do it..

This month has been hard.

I have done some pretty hard things in my short life so far.
I gave birth 3 times...that was dang hard. I ran a half marathon...ugh..hard! I moved to another state with 3 kids..will never do that again..too hard! I have gone through a divorce...one of the hardest things I've ever done. I got through them all and I can look back and say..wow! I can do hard things...and I'm stronger because of them.
Yes, I can do hard things, but right now, I am going through something that's just too hard..
I feel ready share ...

On Dec.7th 2011, I went through the hardest thing I have ever had to go through so far..
losing the love of my life to suicide.

For the past 6 months I have been head over heels in love. I reconnected with Paul and we started dating in July 2011 when I moved to Arizona.  Paul and I went to Junior High and Highschool together in Orem, UT.  It was really fun to reconnect and reminisce about old times and the fun we had working at 7-peaks water park together back when we were 16 yrs old.  Paul and I learned very quickly that we had something special.  A love and friendship I have never felt or shared with someone in my entire life.  He made me laugh everyday we were together, and receiving a love letter was an everyday occurance.  I told Paul all the time he was my real life Superman. I felt like he could do anything! He could fix anything he could lift anything, he killed every scorpion and spider that even dared get near my house because he knew how deathly afraid I was. He was always there for me whenever I needed. He could hear in my voice if I was having a bad day and poof! there he was with flowers or chocolates to make everything better! One thing I know for sure...Paul loved me, he was my best friend and I knew I wanted to marry him one day. I had dated for 2 long years and finally found my dream boy...and I was going to hold on to him for dear life!
Unfortunately, Paul has had a really rough year. He never dwelled on the hard times he was going through. He was always very positive and probably hid more pain from me than I was aware of. The one thing in this world that made Paul the happiest were his 4 beautiful children. I have never seen a father love his children as deeply as Paul loved his.
 In November, Paul was feeling pretty low. We talked on several occasions about how everyone goes through trials in their lives and the storm would soon pass. Things were starting to look up. About 3 weeks before Paul died, him and I spent an entire day ring shopping.  This was a big step for me and he was so kind and gentle with me as he said.."now Michele, this doesn't mean we are getting married next month, it just means we are looking so we can get an idea of what you like." He knew marriage was a big step for me and I was careful not to rush things and to make sure it would be right when we made that decision.  That was one of the funnest days of my life and we laughed and enjoyed every second of that day. I knew I wanted to marry him.
I will talk on a very real level now, because I feel like this is important to share. I probably will never talk about Paul's death again or the events leading up to it...I feel that when someone passes away, we should not relive the past or dwell on how they died. I have too many amazing memories about him I want to share and remember instead.  However, suicide is a very real subject.  In the month of December alone, I have heard of 3 other people who have taken their lives besides Paul.  I am here to say, that we did see the warning signs with Paul. Many people loved and reached out to him who were aware of the depression he was dealing with.  On Monday Dec. 4th, Paul met with a doctor and discussed what he was feeling.  She prescribed him depression medication and I was relieved.  Mostly because I couldn't bare the thought of him living in pain and sadness and thought this medication along with my love and support would make him feel better.
On Tuesday, we texted all day as usual and he was having a good day! He closed a deal at work, got to my house that evening and ate dinner with us, helped me put my kids to bed, hugged each one of them and said prayers with us. We watched a Will Ferrell movie on TV and cracked up the whole time while he rubbed my feet (I was totally spoiled). We looked at some houses on the computer we were thinking of buying down the road when we got married and cuddled and talked. About 11:00pm we were getting tired and decided to call it a night. I walked Paul to the front door and we kissed and hugged good night like two little teenagers. I just could not bare to say goodbye this particular night. I watched him as he walked out my door and turned the corner. That was the last time I would ever see him.
On Wed. morning, I did not receive my ritual 8:45 am call from Paul. I didn't read too much into it. I got side tracked by a phone call from my sister and realized at 9:15 I still hadn't heard from him. The feeling we often get when something is wrong came over me and I hopped in my car, pajamas and all and headed straight to his house. I saw his car out front. At first I got a sinking feeling, then realized he was probably just sleeping in. I did not get an answer at the front door. There was no way for me to get in the house. I called his roommate in a panic and luckily he came straight home. The next few minutes, and hours are too hard for me to write about and would not be appropriate to write about. The feelings that arise when I think about them again are beyond any pain I have ever experienced. I mostly just remember sirens, I remember wondering why my legs wouldn't work, and the most gentle and kind police woman who I know was meant to be there for me that day.  Paul knew he was my real life superman, but my real hero that day was Paul's roommate Glen, who protected me from seeing things I shouldn't see and sheltering me from experiencing even more pain than I already had to go through. I then had the excruciating task of calling Paul's mom and dad and ex wife.
The next few days are a blur. The guilt of "If only", and "What if" set in real quick. The hurt I felt for Sarah and the children was unbearable. The nurturer in me wanted to be there for his mom because I knew how close her and Paul were, I ached for his siblings because they were such a close family...and I hurt and longed for my boyfriend, my best friend.
It has been 4 weeks today since Paul has been gone. I still get very frustrated and have so many unanswered questions. Time is my friend. When tears come, I don't fight it. I have had many nights where I have cried myself to sleep. But also many nights where I have experienced things so spiritual that time and sacredness would not allow me to write them down. The Veil is very thin and I feel blessed to have peace and comfort in my life right now. I am trying very hard to not ask God why did this happen..but instead, what am I supposed to learn from this. 
Through my Savior Jesus Christ, my pain and burdens feel lighter. I am slowly learning what I am supposed to learn from this..it will take a lifetime for this to happen.
Grief is a funny thing. It comes at the weirdest times and leaves as quickly as it came. I am overwhelmed with humility and gratitude for the service and support my family,  friends and people who don't even know me have shown me. I was not only in love with paul, but I was in love with his children. I am so happy to have those 4 little angels who I adore still be a part of my life.(thank you sarah)
I know one day I will need to move on again. I know one day I will be happy and in love again.  I know I will be a stronger and better woman for the hard things I have experienced.
To the greatest man who ever loved me..I love you Paul Ryan Phipps

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress please call             1-800-273-TALK       (8255) or visit http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

And now, I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance...

Dear Arizona...I guess you're not so bad

Goodbye Colorado...Hello new life

Well I did it!  I finally made the big move to Arizona!  June was a busy, stressful month!  We are finally here and we are getting settled, but I'm not sure it feels like home quite yet.  It was very difficult to say goodbye to the place I've known for the past 10 yrs, and especially saying goodbye to amazing friends I've grown to love.  

The kids are so excited to finally live so close to their daddy and are loving AZ so far! 

It's HOT here, but I will get used to it I'm sure:) 

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

goodbye house I love...time for me to shut the door and move on... 

last picture in our house

Welcome to AZ... our new house

Who needs anything else when you have a pool in the backyard! What lucky kids!

“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction”

Busy momma. Simple life.

Busy momma, noisy world.

trying to live a Simple life...

just the way I like it!

A simple life has a different meaning and a different value for everyone. For me, it means eliminating the chaos, not taking on too much, learning to say no, not wanting the best or having the most and spending my time doing what’s important to me.

Trying to juggle work, kids, spirituality and just life can get really overwhelming sometimes!! But trying to find the right BALANCE in my life is something I have had to learn and it is what keeps me sane and makes me happy.  Choosing how I spend my time and who I spend my time with and making sure to be a  mommy, but still have time to take care of myself and not "lose" myself and who I am in this busy, noisy world.

Recently I had the fun experience of being part a charity event where 

I got to get dressed up and be in a calendar for BMW vintage motorcycles.  So much fun!

All the proceeds from the calendar go to the For My Mama Foundation. Cassidy

thinks her momma is pretty cool beans!

Meet my new friend Tara...

This precious little 4 yr old had me at hello!! I fell in love! 

Tara is part of the kids Hope Foundation.  Her sweet little 

spirit and cheerful attitude really helped me realize what is most

important in life....and the things most important to me are not things.

Here we go again!  Another year of my favorite sport, and another year I 

agreed to be team mom. We keep very busy with baseball!

J Diggity Dog!!

He's such a great little pitcher I'm so proud of him!

Fun Time!!

My friend JC brought over all of his creepy crawlies for 

the kids to play with.  They were in heaven!

Cassidy holding hissing cockroaches...ewww

Tarantula!!

That would be me holding the Tarantula!

Really poisonous scorpion...in my hands...I am scurred!!

I'm definitely keeping busy with working as the rep for Glymed and now taking over the AZ 

territory.  I spend a lot of time teaching classes and working with wonderful people!

It's such a fun job!

Teaching a Chemical Peel class

Some might say I am an over-acheiver...they would be correct.

Making caramel apples for the baseball team and their mothers for Mother's Day.

Cassidy and Kayleigh...over achievers in training.

 

Honestly, one of my favorite things to do is cook and bake...especially with my kiddos!

The girls and I had so much fun making these caramel apples

Finished apples! ummmm....Martha Stewart whooo???

 

What is it about a sleeping child that makes you looove them soo much!!

Mother's Day Card

Cassidy's First dance (at my friends wedding)


Kayleigh running away to Yew Nork..mad at mommy!

Butterfly Fly Away

For the past couple of months, we have had some new family members in our home that have kept us very entertained...7 of them to be exact. 

These little sweeties came to us as teensy weensy caterpillars and have grown into beautiful butterflies.  The process of watching these caterpillars turn into butterflies was so fascinating to all of us!  We spent many hours watching and caring for these little babies.  I refuse to call them insects because I have fallen in love with our little butterflies and they are part of our family now (laugh all you want, I love them).  The time has come to let our little babies fly away and it was Cassidy's idea that we let them fly free in remembrance of her cousin James who passed away 5 yrs ago tomorrow. 

eensy weensy little caterpillars

 Big fat hungry caterpillars

The Chrysalis or Cocoon

           Beautiful Butterflies

Fly Away

Butterfly fly away..

Flap your wings now you can't stay

Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away..

We've been waiting for this day

All along and knowing just what to do

Butterfly fly away..

We love you sweet angel James...

photographs

 Today was that day...the day I stared into my cluttered craft room and decided I had to de-clutter and clean out! Now that we are moving soon, I have been doing a lot of de-cluttering and de-junking around this house.  Jeff has the kids this weekend, so it's nice and quiet around here and I've been getting a lot done.  Turned on my ipod, ready to get to work de-cluttering yay!

Wow, I hadn't been through these photos or old keepsakes in years!

Box one...old highschool photos! I was so young once! Dang prom was fun! Aww the good old days:)

Keep, throw away, keep, throw away...

I started going through some pictures I hadn't seen in a while...the birth of my first born, my daughters kindergarten graduation, our family trip to Yellowstone with our best friends, first Christmas with our new baby...wow what fun, old memories! A lot of the pictures absolutely cracked me up! Man these memories seemed like a lifetime ago!!

What do I do with all these old pictures?  I don't think I can get myself to throw them away...

My favorite song came on my ipod right then, Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Suddenly I felt a knot it my stomach, then a lump in my throat, I kind of knew what was coming.  I literally was telling myself, "don't you dare do it, don't you dare!"  I felt the tears start to burn my eyes, I couldn't help it.  Sitting on the floor in my craft room.. and the tears came and came.  I cried..and cried

I imagine this has happened to several other people who have been divorced or maybe lost someone and gone through old photos that brought back memories.
I felt a million different emotions in just a few minutes...sadness for the old memories, happiness that the memories existed, loneliness, a little scared for the upcoming changes, frustration that I was even put in this position to begin with, content with my life, proud of how strong I am, hope for the future...lots of emotions!!  I sat there wondering what am I supposed to do with all these photos.  My friend suggested I make a box for each kid and keep some old family photos in each box along with some keepsakes.  I think that is a great idea. 

It's funny how my blog used to be a "get caught up with the Newman fam" kind of blog.  I feel now, it is a place for me to express myself, or a place to vent if you will.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes, divorced life can get extremely lonely.  Sometimes the hustle and bustle of everyday life with kids, work, bills, homework, cleaning, cooking dinner, being taxi mom, can become a little overwhelming.  When you finally get the kids to bed and breathe that sigh of relief... listen to the sound of peace and quiet... then realize you really wish you had someone to talk to about your day.... and then look at the big empty bed you get to crawl into alone... it is a feeling that MANY people besides me have felt, and it is a feeling I wouldn't wish upon anybody. 

I hope I don't ever come off as if I am having a pitty party.  I am so happy with my life and feel so blessed with all that is in my life...but sometimes we all have to feel...and we all feel differently.

Today I remembered a lot of old memories, Some I threw away, some I saved and some will be in my heart forever.

What a Picture!!

I thought this was absolutely amazing!

  

"Hand of Hope."

A picture began circulating in November. It should be 'The Picture of the Year,' or perhaps, 'Picture of the Decade.' It won't be. In fact,unless you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner.

The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother! , Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta . She knew of Dr Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt Univ Med Ctr in Nashville , he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity The editors titled the picture, 'Hand of Hope.' The text explaining the picture begins, 'The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life.'

Little Samuel's mother said they 'wept for days' when they saw the picture. She said, 'The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person.'Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100percent successful.

AMAZING!!